Today we will be speaking with Upstack’s mascot Uppy. This is the first interview granted to the public by the legendary and notoriously reclusive spokesman. Read on to have all your burning questions answered…

Thank you for taking the time to speak with us, Uppy. We know you’re a busy mascot. So let’s get right to it.

1. First, what is your philosophy on mascotting in general?
People don’t realize how tough it is being a pansexual, non-threatening spokesthing. I have to pose for promotional materials and say clever things. There’s a lot of pressure on me to be representative of all things Upstack by just simply existing. It’s hard work. So next time you see the Phoenix Suns Gorilla or the Phillies Phanatic walking down the street, say “Hello.” They’re hard-working people, too.

2. And you’re quite the graphic designer as well. What’s your angle?
I have found a bit of a niche designing personal logos for my mascot friends. I feel specifically qualified to design mascot logos because I understand what a mascot needs as far as identity goes. I’m sure there are some very talented graphic designers out there who could probably create something gorgeous, but it wouldn’t have the soul of a mascot in it, which is often reticent of ridicule.

3. Are you taller than your parents?
I’m taller than my mother, shorter than my father. My mother is 3′1″ and my father is 7′2″. What did you expect?

4. Did you have a nickname growing up?
“Upchuck.” When I was in third grade, I threw up in gym class once…

5. We’re privy to the fact you used to be a pro basketball player in the now-defunct ABA. Would you care to clear the air about that?
I had game. In fact, I had so much game, I had to give some of it back. I had a mean set-shot and formed a dynamic duo with Walt “Chocolate Chip” Robinson. Besides that, I really don’t like talking about it.

6. But you won the dunk contest, didn’t you? How did you do that, considering your height… and lack of arms?
Haven’t you ever heard of Spudd Webb? Anything’s possible.

7. How do you dribble? You know… without arms? Actually, how do you do anything without arms?
See my last answer, please.

8. Coke or Pepsi?
I don’t drink carbonated drinks. Gotta watch my figure.

9. There’s no easy way to seque to the next topic, which I’m sure can’t be easy for you to talk about. You are a veteran of the armed forces, correct?
Yessir, I served my country with valor like all other veterans of foreign wars. Please support the men and women who put their lives on the line in the name of freedom.

10. You were awarded some medals for your bravery and got to meet the president at the time, correct?
That is correct. It was one of the greatest thrills of my life and it’s an honor I’ll always cherish.

11. You’ve led quite the Gumpian life. Have you ever stopped to think about how much you’ve accomplished in your life so far?
I get the “Forrest Gump” thing all the time, but I’m quick-witted. Make no mistake.

12. What advice do you have for little mascots out there? What has gotten you where you are today?
Don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t be. So you have a giant, bulbous head covered in pink feathers. So what? So you have no arms and look kinda like a mushroom. It doesn’t matter. You’ll find your place among the mascot family. It’s a very accepting and caring community. I’m proud of who I am.

13. I think that just about concludes our interview. Is there anything else you’d like to add in conclusion?
It’s a great honor to be working as Upstack’s mascot. I mean… it was such a big break for me in the business and I was so lucky that I look vaguely like the Upstack logo. How lucky is that? In conclusion, I’d like to ask you to please take a look at my work over at upstack.com. I’d be a poor mascot if I didn’t let you know you can get great custom graphic design work there.

Thank you, Uppy. It’s been a pleasure.
Likewise.

We’d like to thank Uppy again for taking the time to speak with us.